Being Self-ful: The 10 Permissions, and How it supports (Self) Compassion
This article was first published on LinkedIn (March 11, 2018) — https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/being-self-ful-10-permissions-how-supports-self-compassion-ow/
I attended a conference in the US in February 2017, a blessing given to me by the company I was with. It was also a trip to get away from the emotional stress that I was facing then, and I was glad that there were some workshops during the conference that allowed for the discovery and exploration of self.
One of the workshops I attended was aptly named “The 10 Permissions”. At that point in time, I was in the frame of learning, and not thinking so much about application. And one year later, I realised how these 10 permissions are so applicable to self compassion, and eventually compassion as a whole.
This probably sounds cliched, and it is also absolutely true! Being a certified associate with @Emergenetics International, and more recently, @STEP Emergenetics for Youth, no one person is exactly the same. Simply through the measuring of thinking and behavioural attributes, the permutations of individuals think and behave are aplenty already, what more if we include and consider their individual values, beliefs, philosophies, etc. So, it is ok to be you.
This is probably contrary to everything that we have been taught: to feel guilty and shamed, when we make a mistake. I have said “sorry” so much throughout a period of 6 years of my life, that I am practically saying “sorry” for everything I do, perhaps both potentially good and potentially bad. It didn’t make me feel any better, and in fact, made me feel worse. And supported a downward spiral of emotions and self-esteem. This permission is also in no way about egotistical self-esteem. It is separating who I am from what I do, and giving space in between, to reflect, to pause, and to make a better decision on what I can do next that can be better.
Another contradiction to the messages we have been receiving all around us in our “hurry-up” world; the mind and soul function best when given enough time to be intentional and present. That is why, and how, I started on my mindfulness journey with @Centre for Mindfulness (Singapore): to be more in tune with myself, and to have the support system and understanding that I grow at my own pace, I learn at my own pace, I get aware and conscious about my thoughts and emotions at my own pace. It is ok to take my time.
“What?!” you may ask. It sounds almost the same as being “selfish”. The word itself when flipped around may also sound negative — being “full of yourself”. “Self-ful” means “tending to my most important psychological, spiritual, social and physical needs so that I am energised to serve others”. Not doing this leaves me ill-equipped to be good parents, boss, coach, mentor, leader and/or employee. Yes, it is ok to put on your oxygen mask first.
Openness is the entry point of compassionate accountability. It is the entry point for love, care, trust, responsibility, respect, and many many more virtues. It is also the entry point for hurt, pain, disappointment, frustration, anger, sadness, grief, and perhaps even more emotions we prefer not to feel. When we choose to clam up because we do not want to feel the pain and the hurt, we inevitably clam up to love and trust and happiness. To be able to fully feel good, let’s be open to feeling bad too. It will be vulnerable, and it too will pass.
This may come as a surprise to the Type-A personalities, but some of us really struggle to succeed. We may view success with a negative connotation. This permission is to tell ourselves “It’s ok to accept success as a product of your hard work, support of others, and even a little luck.”
Expectations, as Shakespeare agrees, are the surest path to disappointment. When I want without expecting, I am able to share responsibility for the outcome, without someone else’s ok-ness being on the line. It is so important to recognise that my want does not become an expectation, whether on self or others. The awareness of this fine line to draw, creates all the difference.
I don’t have to win all the time.When I do my best, and someone else still comes out better than me, kudos to them. Appreciate what they have done, and also appreciate myself for having tried. Now I know of perhaps a better approach in doing something too.
Self awareness and emotional intelligence is about understanding my strengths and weaknesses, and learning and knowing how to make the most of them, while working within the teams to make beautiful music / creating an impact / building an eco-system.
There is a time to accept defeat, and there is a time to step up and use what I have been given. And when the times arrive, I take up the responsibilities, without excuses and/or resistance, and do what needs to get done. Being aware, and then accepting and then acknowledging my gifts, will support me in exercising them, to benefit the community at large.
I am still learning and practicing these 10 permissions, and as I grow in self compassion, I realise that I also become more able in empathising and demonstrating compassion to the people around me. I am more aware of my triggers, and able to better regulate my thoughts and emotions, and eventually leading towards a happier and more contented life!
What permissions will you choose to give yourself today, or this month? Please share, whether it is from this list, or perhaps, something beyond this! Would really like to hear from you!
