Tuesdays and Mortality
This article was first published on LinkedIn (August 29, 2018) — https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/tuesdays-mortality-michelle-ow/
Two Tuesdays ago (14 August 2018), someone I knew, and respected, passed on suddenly, from a heart attack. When Mr Tay Lai Hock passed on, in the place that loved, that he put in time and effort to build and develop and grow, the community who loves him grieved with his sudden passing. It came as a shock to many, and me included. I can’t say that I am close to him; whatever limited interactions I had with him, left an impact on me, and I remember him as a nurturing man, grounded in his beliefs, philosophies and values. I grieve, because he is a good man, and his care for people, is evident, and the world lost a person who cares, genuinely, big-heartedly.
I also grieve, because mortality is all too familiar. I grieve, because I have not properly grieved before.
Prior to learning about his passing that night, via Facebook, I too came close to being in an accident on the road, while I was crossing, on my way home, at a traffic light. One more stride, and I would have been hit by a van. I had the right of way, if you are wondering. But it really didn’t matter at that point of time, who was right/wrong. I was in the middle of the crossing, at least 6 seconds since the pedestrian crossing had turned in the pedestrians’ favour (read: green man was on). As the van neared me, he horned, and I paused, and in that moment of pause, he passed me, right in front of my face, about 30cm (one long ruler) away. He only slowed down after he had passed me, and the driver raised his hand out of the window in apology, as I stood there, in shock, my head turning, following the motion of the vehicle. My mind was blank, as I turned back, noticing the other pedestrian crossing the road towards me, as I noted his expression of shock on his face too, at how close a shave I have come. And I continued crossing the road after that moment, and only came to a realisation of how close it got, when I reached onto the other side of the road. It was then, that I started to text a friend about what happened, and allowed the emotion of shock to sink into my system.
I wondered a lot after the near-miss incident: “What if it had really hit me?” “Should I have approached the vehicle, when it slowed down?” “Would I have died?” “I might have died!” “It would have knocked into me!” “Maybe I should have approached the van driver of the van when he slowed down.” “What would I say when I approach him?” “Would I be angry?” “No, I would probably still have remained calm.” “What was my intention of approaching him? To scold him? That would be what most people would have done.” “But I am not angry, more concerned, scared and worried. What if he dashed past another traffic light, and was not so lucky the next time round?” “Could I have saved a life; or two?” “I should have approached him. I can prevent it from happening again.” etc etc etc. I am not sure why I was generally so calm about what happened, and still able to process the questions and thoughts that came after. A part of me was very curious, another part concerned, and another part just blank. I wonder, if it was the mindfulness training that I have been undergoing, that allowed the amygdala to pause, and process. I only broke down, when I read about what had happened to Lai Hock, and at that point, I wasn’t sure whether I was grieving for him, or reaction to my shock, or both. It took me a few days to continue to process the incident, and put it pass me.
And in the process, I also wondered about how, in a single incident, similar emotions, different people respond differently, decide their next course of action differently. I looked back at how I made the decisions, during those turning events in my life, and I gained perspective and clarity, and appreciation of those decisions. It has never been easy to make the big decisions, always with the lingering emotion that I may disappoint some in the process.
That weekend, on Sunday, before I flew off to Bangkok, Thailand, for Emergenetics Asia Pacific’s WEweek 2018 event, I sat down for an interview with two young girls, and the final question they asked was “If you were able to turn back time, and go back to your 16 year old self, would you do anything differently? What would you do differently?” My response, after a quick thought, was that I will not do anything differently; everything that has happened to me so far, happened for me, that I created, happened for a reason — a reason that I may not have clarity yet, occasionally the dots seem to be connected, and other times, they seem to diverge. I do not regret anything major that has happened to me, and thus will not wish to change anything, or that anything will be different.
A few days later, on a Tuesday again (21 August 2018), my cousin celebrated her birthday, and another friend suffered a heart attack, while away in Hong Kong for work. I only heard the news later in the week, and all we can do, is pray that he will be fine, eventually. Again, another brush with life/death. Again, the contemplation about life and mortality. Thankfully, he went through surgery, and seems to be recovering well. “What if it was me? What if it was someone that I am closer to? What would my parents do, if it were me, away, conducting a training, and this happened? How would they react?” “Two heart attacks in two weeks, what are the odds? Is it a trend? Is it the 7th month period creating all these incidences?” “What’s happening?”
It took me about a week later to pen these thoughts down, not so much with the intention to share, but to capture my thoughts, such that I may come back to it again later. Have I decided to make any significant change to my life? Not really. If anything at all, it has highlighted even more, the importance to be present in the moment, to appreciate those around me, and to spend time with those who are important.
One of the important people that I am learning to spend time with, is myself. Self care is important to me, so that I may be able to take care of those around me. So I took myself out to the movies today, and watched “Christopher Robin”. And the following quotes are worthy of exploration in this active month ahead:
- Doing nothing often leads to the very best kind of something. — Winnie-the-Pooh / Christopher Robin
- I always get to where I’m going by walking away from where I’ve been. — Winnie-the-Pooh
Winnie The Pooh: What day is it?
Christopher Robin: It’s today.
Winnie The Pooh: My favorite day.
- There’s always time for a smackeral of wonder. — Winnie-the-Pooh
- Your life is happening now, right in front of you. — Evelyn Robin
